I spend so much time living in anger these days that I’m starting to forget the good things. And maybe should…but the thought scares me. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. I’m not sure if I should go on as best I can like you never existed, or just try keeping the bad in the very back of my mind and remember an old friend held so bittersweet in my heart. Because it had to have been real at some point, right? The first friend I made in highschool, just days before it even began at orientation. So here are the things I want to hold onto for as long as I can, even if they sadden me to think about at the same time:
- Your childlike sensibility; watching the cartoon network on your couch with your cats. Never thought I’d miss that innocence you’d held onto now that it’s gone.
- Your granola upbringing, courtesy of your hippie mother. You loved nature and would feed the squirrels outside your window. I miss you feeding the squirrels.
- Blue eyes. Beautiful.
- Your intelligence; the random facts and trivia, always something new to say.
- Unashamed, but quiet around others for the most part, like me.
- The texts you’d send when I wasn’t at school, asking where/how I was.
- Your laugh; contagious, and always made me smile.
- How open you were, how comfortable it was to be in your presence.
- Your forgiveness when I messed up bad… something I could never seem to do in return for you.
- That bond we had, like in the movies. Like sisters separated at birth.
There’s plenty more, but right now all I feel is this ever-present stabbing at the still bleeding wound from your silence from when you left.
Happy birthday. I love you. I miss you. Forever.
“I survived every one of your goodbyes.” – Della Hicks-Wilson