Silently (poem)

It’s finally here!! I received the acceptance email for this poem 14 months ago. Yes, 14 months…over a year. And it’s just a little thing but I’ve always loved and been proud of this piece.

Thank you to Bete Noire Magazine for including me in this issue!

 

Advertisements

When Winter Depression Leaves You With No Motivation

New article up on The Mighty a few days ago!

It’s that time of year again — the time I dread more than anything.

I think I’ve always despised winter — those dreadful months between October and April.

I hate the cold and the shorter days. I’m not a summer person either though, so it’s not about the longer days. In fact, I really couldn’t care less. But the shorter days, the darker ones, the colder ones: I hate those. And I’d never thought about why, but I guess it’s partly because they remind me of me — always so cold, unwanted, so ready for the day to be over. A dark gloom. The worst parts of winter.

It occurred to me randomly. It wasn’t even 5:30 in the afternoon, but the sky; dark blue, and the wind; so loud, snow blowing. Another reason, perhaps the bigger reason, is that I become restless near the end of September waiting for the inevitable — any and all motivation left in me starts to disappear once October 1st hits and the season starts changing. I see it coming. Every time. I can feel it in my bones. I can see it in the grey-blue clouds. I know I’m going to be living in what feels like the worst head cold and become a little more numb as the days go on.

Motivation ups and leaves. Takes a vacation as winter rises from fall and my very will to live goes into hibernation; starved and unsure if I’ll make it through the cold of winter to see a future.

It’s maybe the worst place to be when you have a mental illness — in the middle; empty, numb. In my experience, anyway. And it’s not that I’d rather be on one side of the extremes, they’re both just as dangerous. I can’t stand the feeling as I start to notice that I’m just going through the motions, knowing there’s not really anything I can do about it. Because I lose every ounce of motivation for anything, even the things I enjoy, the things I love. I just want, and try, to sleep as long and as often as I can. Just stay in bed. Except my mind keeps me awake. Exhausted from all of the nothing.

Motivation.

It becomes a foreign word, something long forgotten. Every day is an unanswered question of, “How am I going to make it through today?”

My mind and body are drained simply from thinking, from wondering. So as the cold takes over and spreads, and before the frost can render me frozen, I go into my own kind of hibernation — isolation. And every day, life’s expectations weigh heavier on me — a weight I’m afraid I am no longer strong enough to carry on my own. But that’s all I ever am — alone. Isolated. And the loneliness that comes from that is heart-wrenching.

I’ve got failure and disappointment down to a science.

The days will continue to go on and I will continue becoming numb.

Nights like these, it’s a shame. I am the worst part of a season I hate. Trade this cold reminder for brighter days. Who knows if I’ll be seen again — it depends on motivation.

Motivation, I need you to hold on tight to me. I’m losing grip fast and once you’re gone, I fear I’ll never get you back.

https://themighty.com/2017/11/depression-winter-motivation/

darkblue

World Suicide Prevention Day 2017: I Was Made For…

It’s September 10th, which means it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. TWLOHA’s slogan this year being Find What You Were Made For.

WSPD17_Social

I really struggled with this. I’ve been in a bit of a low period lately, so it’s all too easy to shut out the positive. Once I realized that that’s what I was doing I found that the answers were actually pretty simple.

21433274_1893071224347193_6396872626751778865_n

I Was Made For my art. I was made for my music and my writing; for my creativity.

I Was Made For these amazing people I get to call friends who understand and are there for me, and in return be there for them. To give them back the love and hope they’ve given me.

I Was Made For the chance to be a voice in this world. A voice to raise awareness. To fight the stigma of mental health. To fight for equality.

I Was Made For being more than my depression and anxieties. More than my BPD. My disorders do not define me.

I Was Made For something I haven’t figured out yet. But I have to believe I will.

I Was Made For this. Here. Today. Tomorrow.

♥♥

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Stay. Find what you were made for.
#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

My Last Day of 22

d0fd449b7a43ce1a5060094ffc699453

“Amazing, still it seems, I’ll be 23.
I won’t always love what I’ll never have.
I won’t always live in my regrets.”
23 – Jimmy Eat World

It’s my last day of 22. Half of it I spent sleeping, wanting to experience as little of the day as possible. I’ll do the same tomorrow. But I’m tired of it – of not living.

fe77385c4520227bbd049ad0935d4867

This song, by a band very important to me that I grew up with, has been on my mind lately. For obvious reasons. It’s called 23 and tomorrow that’s how old I’ll be. I want this song to motivate me.  I want it to be a part of what gets me to really start living.

Because I have more bad days than good. And some days I can’t even get out of bed. Normal, every-day activities wear me out and I’m tired of wishing my life would just change magically. I know I have to do something about it. It has to be me. I can’t sit around waiting for someone to save me from my loneliness.

And I have been slowly making changes. Slowly but surely. DBT was a huge step for me. I’m writing a book. I’m submitting my writings to different magazines and sites – I’m no longer living stagnant.

I’m in need of a friend – of people – who understand. Where I’ve been, where I need to go. Because I can’t do this alone.

Bravery Doesn’t Come Naturally to Me

I’m trapped. All of my failures have caught up to me and I am stuck.

My day-to-day is full of nothing and I can’t break the routine.

Society would call me either lazy or a loner or shy, but the truth is I’m being held against my will by my own mind and body.

I want out. I want to wake up each morning with a smile and have a good day.

I want to live. I want to travel and meet people, create memories and experiences I’ll hold dear for the rest of my life.

I want adventure. Excitement.
But I also want stability. Comfort. Home.

I want meaning. I want to change my life and change someone else’s. I want to take risks and not be so afraid of failing. I already regret so much.

All of these wants I’m not sure I’ll ever have…I’m still finding the courage, and I’m afraid that bravery doesn’t come naturally to me.

IMG_20151021_190642108 - Copy
From my art journal – “I Feel So” by Box Car Racer, always there for me in my angsty moments.

First post: Recovery Is Better Together

I took this photo of my medications at the time when I’d been first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

wp

To say this diagnosis changed my life would be an understatement. I have others, but this one is different. Bigger.

Sometimes, when I think about what all comes with living with BPD, I get so overwhelmed at how hopeless it all seems, that recovery was never a road meant for me. But more often than not, I know that’s just the disorder talking. And they all do it – my disorders, of which I’ll delve into one post at a time.

For now, I’ll give you the gist:
Besides BPD, I have been living with severe depression and anxiety for over half of my life, and as a result I turned to self-harming when I was 12 years old. ADHD diagnosis in 2014, PTSD diagnosis at the beginning of 2016.

I need my life to change. I’m ready for it. I can’t let any of these disorders control me anymore. One way I’m changing is through my writing. I’ve been writing all my life and back in December 2015, I decided to really do (or try, rather) something with my talent. I’m writing a book about my mental health journey in the Prose and Poetry genre, and being mentored by one of my favourite authors. As much as it is for me since it’s my story, I want to help others like my mentor has helped me. Give others hope, prove they are not alone no matter how dark or distant they feel.

I hope to connect to others struggling or who can relate. Please feel free to comment or contact me. Because I know I can’t do this alone – no one can.