2016 has been a clusterfuck, we can all agree to that I think. But in some ways, this year has been the best I’ve had in a long, long time… which is fucking sad, considering.
Let’s get the worst out of the way – my health, both physical and mental. At the beginning of the year, I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. Learning how to live with these and my other diagnoses continues to be a struggle. There are good days and bad days. Always will be. These things are not curable.
I did attempt suicide in April. Not awesome.
Other health stuff that’s going on physically, which are irrelevant for what this blog is about. But lots going on there… Though I will say – 2 days ago, the 13th, I was in the hospital again and finally got an answer to an ongoing problem I’ve had since I was a teenager – gallstones. Yup. One of the causes is rapid weight loss which is more than likely the case here.
Experienced my first real heartbreak, and fucked up my friendship with him along the way. Also not awesome.
But when I think about it…there’s actually been a lot of good.
Starting with reconnecting with one of my oldest friends that I grew up with. It was right at the beginning of the year and I honestly don’t know if I’d even be here right now if I hadn’t reached out to him. In fact, I think it’s safe to say I would not be here. Not enough words to describe how thankful I am for him putting up with me hah – he’s a true, genuine friend. He does his best to understand what I’m going through with my mental health and everything else, has supported and encouraged me with my writing. And it’s just been good to have that again – just having a friend, you know? Someone who has known me for most of our lives.
Getting to know a friend of sorts better – over skype and texts and online. She called me in the hospital after my suicide attempt and got me through that first night. She just has the kindest heart. We have some very big differences but that doesn’t stop either of us from appreciating eachother. I’m so thankful to have gotten to know her.
Another friendship this year. We’re polar opposites but similar in so many ways, and I love that. I’d forgotten what it was like to have a friendship like that – that girl friend all girls have where you just kinda click and it’s easy (for the most part lol, as all friendships go) and fun and special. I haven’t had that since highschool. I’m truly grateful for her. I’ve been burned so many times by people closest to me, and it’s been a challenge to put that trust in someone again… but no matter what, I can’t thank her enough.
DBT is another good thing. It made me nervous and I was skeptical but it really was one of the best things I could’ve done for myself at the time.
I started volunteering at the SPCA. Honestly, those animals probably help me more than I help them. The best therapy.
Kittens for days.
Me and the big grey one here had a bond. He thought he wasn’t gigantic and could fit in your lap like a kitten. That’s all he ever wanted – the comfort of contact. Didn’t take long for him to steal my heart. As happy as I am that he found a loving home, I’ll forever miss my huge lap kitty. Lol saying goodbye was emotional for me.
And then there’s my writing. This time last year, on a whim, I emailed one of my favourite authors about this book idea I had and her confidence in saying that I do have a talent and something important to say, a story to tell, completely blew me away. It took a while, until June, to actually start submitting my writing to places, but I did it. And it’s been terrifying and so exciting. My first publication in print was such a surreal time. Believing in myself is a very new thing…but I’m trying my best. Thank you Charlotte, for lighting that spark in me.
It hasn’t been an easy year but I have made progress. I can only hope my recovery continues.