Silently (poem)

It’s finally here!! I received the acceptance email for this poem 14 months ago. Yes, 14 months…over a year. And it’s just a little thing but I’ve always loved and been proud of this piece.

Thank you to Bete Noire Magazine for including me in this issue!

 

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World Suicide Prevention Day 2017: I Was Made For…

It’s September 10th, which means it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. TWLOHA’s slogan this year being Find What You Were Made For.

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I really struggled with this. I’ve been in a bit of a low period lately, so it’s all too easy to shut out the positive. Once I realized that that’s what I was doing I found that the answers were actually pretty simple.

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I Was Made For my art. I was made for my music and my writing; for my creativity.

I Was Made For these amazing people I get to call friends who understand and are there for me, and in return be there for them. To give them back the love and hope they’ve given me.

I Was Made For the chance to be a voice in this world. A voice to raise awareness. To fight the stigma of mental health. To fight for equality.

I Was Made For being more than my depression and anxieties. More than my BPD. My disorders do not define me.

I Was Made For something I haven’t figured out yet. But I have to believe I will.

I Was Made For this. Here. Today. Tomorrow.

♥♥

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Stay. Find what you were made for.
#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

The Way We Used to Breathe (poem)

My first poem published in print ❤
Huge thanks to Untethered.

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IMG_20160823_122158905_HDR - CopyLook at me
like I’m not broken.
Like nothing’s wrong
or changed,
like I haven’t missed
this;
the way you used to breathe.

Surprise Diagnoses | World of Psychology

My 2nd article on psychcentral’s blog just got published 🙂

When I was diagnosed with PTSD at the beginning of the year, it came as a surprise to me. I’d gone to this psychologist for a potential BPD diagnosis. I walked out with not only that, but four years’ worth of PTSD as well. It was surprising because in these four years I’d not once thought about this disorder; it never even occurred to me. But as I thought about it, letting it sink in, things started making sense. And since the diagnosis, I’ve had to think about what happened. Because I really didn’t deal with it; I’m still having trouble figuring out where to go from here. I know it could’ve been much worse. Others have had it so much worse than me. But I’m trying to stop that way of thinking. What happened was awful and it did change me. It does me more harm than good to invalidate my own feelings. February 2012, I was 18 and had been living on my own in Toronto for seven months or so. One morning I was followed. The bus stop was right across from my apartment building. I noticed him

Source: Surprise Diagnoses | World of Psychology

Vol. 3.1

I am so excited and honoured to be featured in this issue of Untethered. It’s my first publishing in print – thank you to everyone at Untethered for including me! ❤

Forthcoming August 2016   Editors’ Note Dear Reader, In this issue you will find the body controlled, imprisoned, misunderstood, judged, failing, starved, bound, raped, disappo…

Source: Vol. 3.1

Living With Multiple Anxiety Disorders: Panic Disorder

I’ve been living with the diagnosis of Panic Disorder for 5 years.

Last week, I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. And I’ve had some really bad ones.

The frustrating thing at the time was there wasn’t even really a trigger. Things were relatively fine throughout the day. That’s always one of the big struggles living with an anxiety disorder – sometimes, it just happens; no real reason or trigger and so it makes it that much more difficult to deal with, for both yourself and whoever you’re with.

I was sitting in the passenger seat on the way home. I’d began feeling the usual nausea and dizziness, so I rested my head and closed my eyes, trying to breathe through it. But it just got so much worse so fast. All at once my heart started pounding, my breathing was shallow and quick, and I could feel any ounce of strength I had draining and I was positive I was going to pass out right there in my seat. Feeling that weak – that faint – is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever known. You’re so vulnerable and helpless and I could barely hear my mom in the driver’s seat asking me all these questions I didn’t have the strength or knowledge to answer. My body felt overheated but I was also shivering, cold sweat on my forehead. And then worst of all – the tingling sensations in my hands and lips that always come during a panic attack. Except this time was different. This was worse. All of this is happening to me, and my panic spiked even higher when I noticed I couldn’t move my fingers. It was the strangest, scariest thing. I’ve never felt that before during a panic attack – like I was actually paralyzed. I’m looking at my hands as they’re tingling and when I realize I can’t move or bend my fingers, I go into full-on hyperventilation and panic. I remember bursting into tears and cried out that I couldn’t move my hands. It took maybe an hour or so before I calmed down enough before I could bend my fingers again into a fist.

I don’t know what the hell that was. I can only hope that it was the first and last time being that severe.

During all of this, my mom made us go to the hospital since we were already in the car just a few minutes away. I convinced her in the waiting room to just go home because being there was just making it worse – it was so crowded and it was going to take forever to see anyone for my symptoms. When we got home she said she finally realized she had to do some of her own research on how to help and deal during one of my panic attacks, which was nice to hear.

Because we don’t always know why our anxiety or a panic attack is triggered. There isn’t always a reason. And being asked over and over again things you simply cannot answer, especially while it’s happening, is beyond unhelpful.

My Last Day of 22

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“Amazing, still it seems, I’ll be 23.
I won’t always love what I’ll never have.
I won’t always live in my regrets.”
23 – Jimmy Eat World

It’s my last day of 22. Half of it I spent sleeping, wanting to experience as little of the day as possible. I’ll do the same tomorrow. But I’m tired of it – of not living.

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This song, by a band very important to me that I grew up with, has been on my mind lately. For obvious reasons. It’s called 23 and tomorrow that’s how old I’ll be. I want this song to motivate me.  I want it to be a part of what gets me to really start living.

Because I have more bad days than good. And some days I can’t even get out of bed. Normal, every-day activities wear me out and I’m tired of wishing my life would just change magically. I know I have to do something about it. It has to be me. I can’t sit around waiting for someone to save me from my loneliness.

And I have been slowly making changes. Slowly but surely. DBT was a huge step for me. I’m writing a book. I’m submitting my writings to different magazines and sites – I’m no longer living stagnant.

I’m in need of a friend – of people – who understand. Where I’ve been, where I need to go. Because I can’t do this alone.