One Year (April 17th 2016)

April 17th 2016. A day I won’t forget – can’t forget.

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Today marks one year since my last suicide attempt.

On this day in 2016 I swallowed a cocktail of pills, slit wrists. And I was saved by two friends.

Life has changed in so many ways since that day. Some for better, some for not. And some things are exactly the same. It’s crazy thinking back on what I’ve been through in just a year. So much. Too much, at times. I look different now, in a very noticeable way if you know me. Last year I was already fading fast and it’s all taken its toll on me, both physically and emotionally.

Heartbreak and betrayal. Successes and failures. Friends found and lost. Illnesses and surgery. Abandonment.

So many ups and downs.

I’m still just a fragile girl, a scared girl, lost and unsure. Loneliness is still my closest friend, but I’m moving forward in life. I’m making things happen. Things I never would have thought possible on this day last year.

Baby steps.

A year ago today I gave up on life. But I’m still here. I wanted it all to end but two amazing people saved me that day, and I found hope. I’m still here.

What Dialectical Behavior Therapy Has Taught Me So Far

So excited to be published on TheMighty.com and be an official contributor! It’s obviously very personal to me and, I feel, really important.

https://themighty.com/2017/03/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/

Nowhere (poem)

nowhere.pngHuge thanks to Katherine and everyone at Understorey Magazine for liking my poem enough to publish it in their Home&Away issue!!

It’s my second paid publication and I still am having a hard time believing that anyone thinks my writing is good enough to publish.A very encouraging way to end a challenging year.

Nowhere

In a town where everyone
knows everyone
the girl who never connected is
an outsider.

School, recess, friends:
I do not belong here.
Family, holidays, gatherings:
I do not belong here.

My own mind, never operating right:
I do not belong here.
My own body, uncomfortable and ugly:
I do not belong here.

How do I get better
survive the day
when every place I go, every choice I make
feels wrong?

In a town where everyone
knows everyone
and everything about each other
I know surprisingly little.

People ask, Are you a small town person or a big city person?
I just assumed I was a big city person
considering the smothering town
I am escaping.

But now the city
is dizzy
and lonely
and swallowing me
whole.

I do not belong here.

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The Freelance Life & Being Published

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The freelance life is tough. I’m both a freelance makeup artist and writer now, I guess. Ever since I started submitting my writing 6 months ago, I’ve kept this notebook, aptly named “Published Shit”. Paid or not, I add my published writings to it as a sort of keepsake. I’ve accomplished something I never thought would happen.

A few days ago, I received an acceptance email for my 3rd paid publication. Being able to add it to this notebook – the 10th entry – is pretty fucking cool.