It’s finally here!! I received the acceptance email for this poem 14 months ago. Yes, 14 months…over a year. And it’s just a little thing but I’ve always loved and been proud of this piece.
Thank you to Bete Noire Magazine for including me in this issue!
It’s September 10th, which means it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. TWLOHA’s slogan this year being Find What You Were Made For.
I really struggled with this. I’ve been in a bit of a low period lately, so it’s all too easy to shut out the positive. Once I realized that that’s what I was doing I found that the answers were actually pretty simple.
I Was Made For my art. I was made for my music and my writing; for my creativity.
I Was Made For these amazing people I get to call friends who understand and are there for me, and in return be there for them. To give them back the love and hope they’ve given me.
I Was Made For the chance to be a voice in this world. A voice to raise awareness. To fight the stigma of mental health. To fight for equality.
I Was Made For being more than my depression and anxieties. More than my BPD. My disorders do not define me.
I Was Made For something I haven’t figured out yet. But I have to believe I will.
I Was Made For this. Here. Today. Tomorrow.
Stay. Find what you were made for.
Another article of mine was published on The Mighty the other day! This one took a lot for me to submit – the thought of people reading it was terrifying, which I took as a sign that I had to do it.
April 17th 2016. A day I won’t forget – can’t forget.
Today marks one year since my last suicide attempt.
On this day in 2016 I swallowed a cocktail of pills, slit wrists. And I was saved by two friends.
Life has changed in so many ways since that day. Some for better, some for not. And some things are exactly the same. It’s crazy thinking back on what I’ve been through in just a year. So much. Too much, at times. I look different now, in a very noticeable way if you know me. Last year I was already fading fast and it’s all taken its toll on me, both physically and emotionally.
Heartbreak and betrayal. Successes and failures. Friends found and lost. Illnesses and surgery. Abandonment.
So many ups and downs.
I’m still just a fragile girl, a scared girl, lost and unsure. Loneliness is still my closest friend, but I’m moving forward in life. I’m making things happen. Things I never would have thought possible on this day last year.
A year ago today I gave up on life. But I’m still here. I wanted it all to end but two amazing people saved me that day, and I found hope. I’m still here.
The freelance life is tough. I’m both a freelance makeup artist and writer now, I guess. Ever since I started submitting my writing 6 months ago, I’ve kept this notebook, aptly named “Published Shit”. Paid or not, I add my published writings to it as a sort of keepsake. I’ve accomplished something I never thought would happen.
A few days ago, I received an acceptance email for my 3rd paid publication. Being able to add it to this notebook – the 10th entry – is pretty fucking cool.