Scott Hutchison

The first song I ever heard by Frightened Rabbit was “Poke”, and it was just this huge surprise to me – I’ll never forget that first listen. The melody, his voice and god, the lyrics. Honest and brutal in the most beautiful way, I was speechless. Still am to this day.
Please take a few minutes of your time to listen to the beauty of this song.

Lead singer Scott was reported missing a few days ago in a really fragile state of mind… he was found last night, but not how we were hoping.

Following a couple of difficult anxiety days, May 10th was particularly really bad.

Difficult gets bad gets even worse…

I just feel sick to my fucking stomach. After the awful day I had, it felt like a kick in the gut seeing this. I broke into tears and just kept sobbing “no, please, no” over and over and over again.

Devastated. Gutted. Heartbroken. You name it, I’m feeling it. But I’m also really fucking angry. Not at Scott – never at him, but at the lack of knowledge, compassion and understanding surrounding mental illness and suicide. I’m so angry that we lost this beautiful fucking man because he couldn’t believe he was worth it, in getting help. The stigma is a disgrace.

This man and his music has been a constant in my life for almost 10 years now. Almost a fucking decade of my life, music – his music – was there for me when no one else was. Scott had a voice and platform to speak from and he did. The beauty and honesty in his words is what has kept myself and so many other fans going in our darkest moments. It’s so hard to wrap my head around it – same with Chris and Chester; how they save lives with their words, not wanting anyone to feel alone in their struggles… but they couldn’t really see it for themselves. It’s common sadly, I guess, not being able to take your own advice. I know I’ve been guilty of that. We’re human and we’re all different, but we’re not unique in the fact that we all struggle; in different ways and to different degrees.

Scott Hutchison… being able to have met and have a conversation with you, to see you perform live, was a privilege I will cherish every day. And I’m sorry you were in so much pain. You are so, so loved & missed. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your talent and helping me feel a little more understood and less alone in the world. Thank you for everything. ♡

Advertisements

Silently (poem)

It’s finally here!! I received the acceptance email for this poem 14 months ago. Yes, 14 months…over a year. And it’s just a little thing but I’ve always loved and been proud of this piece.

Thank you to Bete Noire Magazine for including me in this issue!

 

Hush (poem)

Got this little poem called “Hush” published today over at Horn & Ivory Zine for their last issue!

Fun story behind it – I wrote it during my recovery from surgery back in January while loving my life on morphine! I have very little memory of actually writing it but I’m proud of it. It’s actually a song still in progress – the poem version of it just got published first.

Thanks to the folks at H&I ❤

HUSH
by forrest jamie
He’s playing me
acoustic heartbreak in
the scale of Lies
but it’s my time now. It’s my turn
so hush down and close your eyes.
No, you don’t know this one,
only I know the words to this song.
Hush down now and close your eyes.
I’ll sing us to sleep –
you for a few hours,
me forever.
A Tylenol lullaby bye baby,
composed of some whiskey and codeine.
A cocktail hymn of shallow breaths and SSRIs.
My narcotic lullaby bye baby,
for your ears and one night only.
Under stainglass stars and porcelain moonlight.
My lethal lullaby bye baby,
my song of goodnight
(goodbye.)
hi

World Suicide Prevention Day 2017: I Was Made For…

It’s September 10th, which means it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. TWLOHA’s slogan this year being Find What You Were Made For.

WSPD17_Social

I really struggled with this. I’ve been in a bit of a low period lately, so it’s all too easy to shut out the positive. Once I realized that that’s what I was doing I found that the answers were actually pretty simple.

21433274_1893071224347193_6396872626751778865_n

I Was Made For my art. I was made for my music and my writing; for my creativity.

I Was Made For these amazing people I get to call friends who understand and are there for me, and in return be there for them. To give them back the love and hope they’ve given me.

I Was Made For the chance to be a voice in this world. A voice to raise awareness. To fight the stigma of mental health. To fight for equality.

I Was Made For being more than my depression and anxieties. More than my BPD. My disorders do not define me.

I Was Made For something I haven’t figured out yet. But I have to believe I will.

I Was Made For this. Here. Today. Tomorrow.

♥♥

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Stay. Find what you were made for.
#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

Comfort Zone: A Letter to My Depression

Another article of mine was published on The Mighty the other day! This one took a lot for me to submit – the thought of people reading it was terrifying, which I took as a sign that I had to do it.

https://themighty.com/2017/06/depression-ready-to-live-not-survive/

How My Tattoos Help ‘Heal’ My Scars

New article was published on The Mighty today! My second with them. 😀

themighty

One Year (April 17th 2016)

April 17th 2016. A day I won’t forget – can’t forget.

download

Today marks one year since my last suicide attempt.

On this day in 2016 I swallowed a cocktail of pills, slit wrists. And I was saved by two friends.

Life has changed in so many ways since that day. Some for better, some for not. And some things are exactly the same. It’s crazy thinking back on what I’ve been through in just a year. So much. Too much, at times. I look different now, in a very noticeable way if you know me. Last year I was already fading fast and it’s all taken its toll on me, both physically and emotionally.

Heartbreak and betrayal. Successes and failures. Friends found and lost. Illnesses and surgery. Abandonment.

So many ups and downs.

I’m still just a fragile girl, a scared girl, lost and unsure. Loneliness is still my closest friend, but I’m moving forward in life. I’m making things happen. Things I never would have thought possible on this day last year.

Baby steps.

A year ago today I gave up on life. But I’m still here. I wanted it all to end but two amazing people saved me that day, and I found hope. I’m still here.

The Best and Worst of 2016

2016 has been a clusterfuck, we can all agree to that I think. But in some ways, this year has been the best I’ve had in a long, long time… which is fucking sad, considering.

Let’s get the worst out of the way – my health, both physical and mental. At the beginning of the year, I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. Learning how to live with these and my other diagnoses continues to be a struggle. There are good days and bad days. Always will be. These things are not curable.

I did attempt suicide in April. Not awesome.

Other health stuff that’s going on physically, which are irrelevant for what this blog is about. But lots going on there… Though I will say – 2 days ago, the 13th, I was in the hospital again and finally got an answer to an ongoing problem I’ve had since I was a teenager – gallstones. Yup. One of the causes is rapid weight loss which is more than likely the case here.

Experienced my first real heartbreak, and fucked up my friendship with him along the way. Also not awesome.

But when I think about it…there’s actually been a lot of good.

Starting with reconnecting with one of my oldest friends that I grew up with. It was right at the beginning of the year and I honestly don’t know if I’d even be here right now if I hadn’t reached out to him. In fact, I think it’s safe to say I would not be here. Not enough words to describe how thankful I am for him putting up with me hah – he’s a true, genuine friend. He does his best to understand what I’m going through with my mental health and everything else, has supported and encouraged me with my writing. And it’s just been good to have that again – just having a friend, you know? Someone who has known me for most of our lives.

Getting to know a friend of sorts better – over skype and texts and online. She called me in the hospital after my suicide attempt and got me through that first night. She just has the kindest heart. We have some very big differences but that doesn’t stop either of us from appreciating eachother. I’m so thankful to have gotten to know her.

Another friendship this year. We’re polar opposites but similar in so many ways, and I love that. I’d forgotten what it was like to have a friendship like that – that girl friend all girls have where you just kinda click and it’s easy (for the most part lol, as all friendships go) and fun and special. I haven’t had that since highschool. I’m truly grateful for her. I’ve been burned so many times by people closest to me, and it’s been a challenge to put that trust in someone again… but no matter what, I can’t thank her enough.

download

DBT is another good thing. It made me nervous and I was skeptical but it really was one of the best things I could’ve done for myself at the time.

I started volunteering at the SPCA. Honestly, those animals probably help me more than I help them. The best therapy.
picmonkey-collage
Kittens for days.
picmonkey-collage3PicMonkey Collagecd.jpg
picmonkey-collages

Me and the big grey one here had a bond. He thought he wasn’t gigantic and could fit in your lap like a kitten. That’s all he ever wanted – the comfort of contact. Didn’t take long for him to steal my heart. As happy as I am that he found a loving home, I’ll forever miss my huge lap kitty. Lol saying goodbye was emotional for me.
And then there’s my writing. This time last year, on a whim, I emailed one of my favourite authors about this book idea I had and her confidence in saying that I do have a talent and something important to say, a story to tell, completely blew me away. It took a while, until June, to actually start submitting my writing to places, but I did it. And it’s been terrifying and so exciting. My first publication in print was such a surreal time. Believing in myself is a very new thing…but I’m trying my best. Thank you Charlotte, for lighting that spark in me.

It hasn’t been an easy year but I have made progress. I can only hope my recovery continues.

The Freelance Life & Being Published

Untitled.png

The freelance life is tough. I’m both a freelance makeup artist and writer now, I guess. Ever since I started submitting my writing 6 months ago, I’ve kept this notebook, aptly named “Published Shit”. Paid or not, I add my published writings to it as a sort of keepsake. I’ve accomplished something I never thought would happen.

A few days ago, I received an acceptance email for my 3rd paid publication. Being able to add it to this notebook – the 10th entry – is pretty fucking cool.